The only thing that's...

…worse than not being able to put your contact lenses on...is not being able to remove them.

Words of wisdom, courtesy yours truly.

More words of wisdom.

Not really, just a long extended rant.

Why are most advertisements so goddamn stupid? Why is it, that an advertisement for razor blades shows titanium blades cutting a car in half? I can assure you that I will not use anything on my face that could conceivably rip through metal.

And while we are on the subject of advertisements, why does McDonalds have cartoons pimping their new products? It is my personal belief that the actors they hired to be in the ad, had coronaries when they saw one of the grease burgers.

Infomercials. Please for the love of all that is good, hire somebody, anybody, to do your voiceover, who does not sound like a two bit crook trying to sell me shares in Enron. Try Kermit, Jabba or the lead singer of the Beegees .The sound of that voice telling me to call 1800-SCAM-ME-NOW makes me want to buy a gun (which is illegal for me) and stay up at night guarding my wallet.

Movie Trailers. DO NOT SHOW ME ANY MORE EXPLOSIONS. I get it. You can blow stuff up. Stuff includes cars, trucks, buildings, birthday cakes, bridges, and vacuum cleaners. Let me share a secret with you, the quality and the quanitity of your explosions does not sway me. They mostly serve to annoy me. Next time do not waste money on the explosions. Take a page out of that Batman series and flash the word “BOOM” on the screen. Take a few liberties with the word. Color it green or pink or fuschia. Change the font. Try Arial or Times New Roman. Use punctuation or italicize it. Surprise me. Add a disclaimer if you want to. Frame it something like this ”We could have blown stuff up (Stuff includes cars, trucks, buildings, birthday cakes, bridges, and vacuum cleaners.), but we didn’t feel like wasting time, money and explosives. Deal with it”. I assure you that the audience will approve of your candour. If you really feel like you have to blow stuff up, go ahead and show me a firecracker exploding. Try to pass it off as an experiment in minimalism. We will go along with the charade.

Alcohol commercials. Um…nothing wrong there. Gorgeous women wearing very few clothes getting drunk…always good.

Television Serials. There is no such thing as a “Must see” episode. There are “Might be interesting to watch” episodes, “Nothing out of ordinary” episodes, and “Totally Sucky” episodes. The “Must Have” operation exists, as does the “Must Attend” meeting. The “Must See Episode”, no, not so much.

Shampoo ads. That hair waving across the screen like a pack of anorexic octopi in a mating frenzy freaks me out. Please cease right now. (Disclaimer: I have no idea what the collective for octopuses is. It could be a pack, a village, a bakers dozen or a bunch. If you figure it out, gentle reader, let me know.) Let me explain that line about the anorexic octopi. Anorexic octopi, which means small bodies and prominent tentacles ala hair. Aw screw it...I’m keeping that line. Imagine it as you will.

And automobile commercials. Well considering my past record, I should probably shut up but I’m on a roll. If I ever see anyone with a broad smile on his or her face jumping in through the window of their intermediate, economy car I will buy your car. No questions asked. I won’t give a damn whether it gives me a half-mile to the gallon, or whether it can be driven only on days which have the letters ‘B’ and ‘∆’ in them. However if they do jump in through the window they should not impale themselves on the gear stick.

House-bloody-hold cleaning-bloody-products. No one smiles when they clean the toilet bowl or scrub behind the throne. Trust me, I speak from painful experience. Even if I was masochistic enough to enjoy the act, the fumes from your odious chemicals ensure that my nostrils feel like a meteor ripped through them. A particularly jagged meteor with rusty nails sticking out of it. Your attitude in these commercials only ensures that one day your executives will one day be found dead in their offices with a plunger boldly shoved up where no plunger has been shoved up before.

Cell phones. No they do not make you sexy. It can have a screen that can show movies (with explosions) and have the ability to control weather satellites and translate from English to Klingon. It could double as a foldable bed and be smaller than your average bear. It could be all these things and more, but it will not make you any sexier. Again I speak from painful personal experience.

I’m about done.

Sing GNR’s “Welcome to the jungle” but sing it as Sinatra would. Croon it. Enunciate every word clearly and feel better about it.

Finally, I have been invited to godhood in Singularism. I have regretfully had to decline. The reason is that I am an atheist. So if I were a God and an atheist I would have to believe that I do not exist. So I would either cease to exist or I would get a really bad headache. Neither sounds very appealing. So I shall stay mortal.

Finis.