Mirror, mirror on every fucking wall.(Yes I said fuck. I will not be censored.)

I’m temporarily crashing with my former roommates until I move out of town. They’ve moved to another apartment. It is a very nice apartment, large and with a wonderful patio. A very nice apartment indeed, except for the funky ass floor length mirrors all over the apartment.

One would think that the landlords would have shown a little restraint, but that isn’t the case. There are mirrors on all the bedroom closets. That is acceptable if not exactly desirable. I do keep expecting them to crack from end to end when they catch a glimpse of me in the morning.

But that is beside the point. Those mirrors are to some extent acceptable. However, the landlord felt the need to put a floor length mirror on the shoe closet, so that you can peer dreamily into your reflection as you enter the house…Or as in my case give a nervous start as you wonder who the fuck that is standing next to you as you stagger sleepily to the laundry room in the middle of the night.

And then there’s the floor length mirror on the utility closet, which serves absolutely no purpose apart from confirming to you, the fact that you are walking down the corridor when you are actually walking down the corridor. I can see the landlords saying to one another, “Clearly, this house is going to be occupied by people who might be beset by doubts that they are not walking down the corridor, when they are in fact walking down the corridor. We must do our best to help them, but what should we do?” They ponder this question for a while and then the most narcissistic among them chimes, “Let's put mirrors all over the apartment. That’ll help them”. And the landlords chime in unison, “Make it so.” And it was made so.

I am surprised that they stopped where they did. Any day now I expect to return to the apartment, (an apartment where I am now only a guest) to find that all the surfaces are covered with mirrors, mirrors in the refrigerator, and in the oven, mirrors in the dishwasher and in those little cabinets above the stove. Mirrors on the ceiling, like in some bachelor pad from a sixties’ Bond movie. A veritable cornucopia of mirrors, an orgy of reflections! (Unlike most others, I use exclamation marks only when appropriate. Has anyone else noticed that the characters in Archie comics used only one of two punctuation marks when they were speaking, either a question mark or an exclamation mark. So even the most innocuous statement, such as “Let's get a bite.” would become “Let's get a bite!” a statement that is vaguely sinister. One would begin to wonder, what was it that they were going to bite? Was it illegal? Were they biting That Which Shouldn’t Be Bitten?)

And this bit of frothing-at-the-mouth chauvinistic insanity deserves a post all by itself. I will be mocking it in my next post. Until then enjoy it in all it’s hair brained glory.