“NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

If you aren’t familiar with Orkut, it is a social network website. You get invited into it and have a bunch of people you link to and all that jazz. It isn’t a half bad idea. A couple of friends that I had lost touch with years ago tracked me down, in a good way, not a “Where’s that money you owe me” kind of way.

For some wonderful reason however, most of the women look really hot in their pictures and the guys look really dopey. I do not object to this. In fact it has my approval.

Well, when you join Orkut, you fill in you details and write a little spiel about yourself. This is where you see gems like.... Um I think I’ll refrain from dissing the spiels. (I’m being Diplomatic!) And then you choose options from a list to tell others why you are on Orkut.

Perhaps unsurprisingly they do not have the option I would like to pick: “Um…someone invited me and I had a half hour to kill and make up shit and stuff and some of these women are really hot and aren’t wearing very many clothes.”

The options they have are friends (I’m lonely), dating (I need to get laid), business networking (Yeah that’s going to happen)…the usual crap.

And the last option is “Activity Partners”.

You actually put that up on your profile. You state, “I am here looking for “Activity “Partners””.

No Shit! Now what the fuck is an "Activity Partner"?

Honestly, I have no clue what that term means. It sounds ominously like an over-eager parent signing their hapless offspring on for some bit of after-school improvement program/atrocity. An activity if you will. Something for which you might need a partner, a comrade in misery… an… Activity Partner. (I still haven’t forgiven someone about PPR!)

On the other hand it does sound a bit like a person looking to hook up. “Activity Partner”…Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink, Say no more. “I’d certainly like to be “Active“with you”. (Side note: Are nested quotation marks acceptable, or just another sign of moral decay?). “Who’s your Activity?”, “Say my Activity”.

“Activity” is a bit too all encompassing. Pretty much anything is an activity, reading, writing, breathing, throwing bricks at passing Ad Agencies (grumble, grumble), wanking off (Can this be considered wanking off, if this activity in fact has a partner involved?), cleaning your bathroom floor (I’d like an partner for this one. Please!) .

So for the sake of my sanity, STOP ADVERTISING THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR “ACTIVITY PARTNERS”!

And while you are at it. Stop saying this, “I am a typical <Insert Zodiac Sign Here>”. Because when you say that I hear, “I am typical dumbass”. You may say that you have the characteristics of a fish, a crab, a lion but all I hear is dumbass. Telling me your Zodiac sign tells me one thing. I do not like you and I have lost pretty much any respect that I might have had for you. It would be far more informative if you told me that you were an alcoholic, a reconstituted liquid gas combine, a dominatrix or a communist. That might tell me something about you. (If you in fact are a dominatrix… (Note to self: DO NOT GO DOWN THAT ROAD))(And now we have nested brackets and running brackets…Oh the humanity!)

So for the sake of my sanity, STOP CALLING YOURSELF A TYPICAL <INSERT ZODIAC SIGN HERE>!

G’nite.