Stop squeaking you filthy bastard

Why is it that I always end up with a shopping cart with squeaky wheels? I pick one out at random, from the group hanging out in front of the super market, and I invariably end up with the one that does has a stand-up act and whose finisher is its famous imitation of a mouse squeaking his love for life and the spring and the glory that is nature.

Not all shopping carts squeak the same. There’s the timid squeaker. This agreeable shopping cart will squeak occasionally. Just a timid, little squeak to let me know that it is alive and that it is contemplating the state of my sneakers.

Then there’s the continuous, but considerate squeaker. This one will squeak without a pause, but not too loudly. It’ll let you carry out a conversation while it provides the background sound effect. Nothing too obtrusive, just a hum, you know, like every spaceship has on a sci-fi show. Except that it isn’t a hum but is a “squeakysquakysqueaksqueakysqueak.”

Then there’s the loud obnoxious squeaker. It’ll squeak at the top of its mechanical lungs without a break. Like a bullfrog in the springtime, except that it does not croak but goes “SQUEAKYSQUEAKYSQUEAKYSQUEAK.” It takes savage pride in the fact that every one in the supermarket can hear it. Heck everyone in the supermarket in the next town can hear it.

Finally, there is the shopping cart that is the essence of pure evil. This villain bides its time until the moment is right. Lurking in the shadows pretending to be that rarity, a completely silent shopping cart. It bides its time until you notice that hot woman who strides the aisles with an admirable disdain for restrictive clothing, and gather up the courage to smile at her. And as you make eye contact it hollers “SQUEAKAFUCKINGSQUEAKEDYOURASS
SQUEAKSQUEAKITYSQUEAKSCREECHBOOM
BANGSQUEAKTADAAH” with every bit of energy in its metallic body. And as you try to slink away unnoticed it laughs at the top of its voice, “SQUEAKHAHASQUEAKHAHAHA.”

Incidentally, I did have a completely silent shopping cart today. It was wonderfully mute and picking out my eggs, milk and cereal was a pleasure.



...Until the left front wheel fell off in the parking lot.