Orientation programs for the Under-represented

This post is for that under-represented community in the entertainment industry (movies, books, music videos, the backs of cereal boxes etc) wiz Monsters. It is partially inspired by these dudes and partially by this really bad movie that is on HBO right now.

I shall be playing the role of a business/management counselor (You know, one of those boring ass MBA mo-fos (sorry Chilli) who conduct those orientation sessions on the first day of work and have you engage in dumb ass games and meaningless team work “fucking kill me now” building exercises. No, I do not think that desert survival games will help me code better. Any refugees from WIPRO recognize that? Nor do I think that holding impromptu plays is a less traumatic experience than being shoved head first into a fucking food processor. The only dickheads who actually enjoy these atrocities, both the participation in and the formulation of are people who have gone to business fucking school.

Interesting, I don’t think I have ranted in braces before. But that rant is for some other time) and will be giving the monster career advice for a fulfilling job environment, rich with upward opportunities and an excellent growth path.

Here is my advisc to the “Monsters”. For the purpose of this exercise I shall call them Junior Level Executive in charge of Localized Mayhem and Fear or to shorten that, Scary Ass Mo-fo.
Remember, your goal is to a) Survive and b) Destroy the “bad” guys (The “bad” guys are conventionally known as the good guys, but to build self esteem and pride in the JLEICOLMAF we shall call them “bad”guys.).

Here goes.

1. Office Demeanor.

Enough with the roaring. It is counterproductive. It lets the bad guys know where you are and you spend valuable brain time trying to come up for an aesthetically pleasing roar. A side effect is that the bad case of halitosis that you suffer from alerts the aforementioned bad guys.

If your species tends towards a slimy exterior carry a box of tissues to wipe up after you. Thus eliminating traces of your passage.

2. Situational Awareness.

Look everywhere. I cannot stress this enough. The bad guys are always hiding in that small box/locker/cabinet which seems to be too small to be holding anyone but actually possesses dimensions worthy of a TARDIS (Those of you who aren’t Doctor Who fans, a TARDIS is larger on the inside than the outside ). Pay particular attentions to roofs. They like to perch there acrobatically, in physically improbable poses.

3. Enemy Grooming and Appearance.

Go for the good looking ones. The sexy ones usually are the most dangerous. It has been statistically proven that the better looking the bad guy/girl is, the greater their chances of … well surviving you. Particular attention must be paid at this juncture. The female in the slutty (weird, apparently Word refuses to believe that slutty is a valid word) attire is not a threat. She is a red herring and will later die in a way that she deserves. Probably in a manner that would not have occurred if she was chaster. Look for the woman who is sexy and strong but vulnerable. She will be showing some skin, maybe some cleavage, but not too much. Similarly, the outrageously good looking man will have feet of clay. He will panic further along and will reveal himself to you and/or your colleagues and you will have ample opportunity to dispose of him. Look for the other man, the strong silent one. If he has stubble you’ve found the main threat.

4.Minority Race relations.

People who are not white are not a threat. Races are easy to pigeonhole.

Asians will either be scientists or hold menial positions. Scientists wear white coats. (That is a universal rule irrespective of the race of the scientist.) Asians who know martial arts are not a threat unless they are the “lead” as described in the previous point. Further along, they will sacrifice themselves for the greater good of the group. This will involve them assuming a martial arts pose and doing their best Bruce Lee Imitation.

My race unfortunately is an uncool minority. We will die early on or will make comments with an outrageously thick accent until you put us out of our misery.

Europeans with British or French accents are guaranteed to be on our side. Do not worry about them. However, the women have sometimes been known to be attracted to the male “lead” so do not trust them. If there is a lot of sighing or lip licking on their parts during the observations of the male “lead” on the standard close circuit cameras, eliminate them immediately.

Other races (I’m being politically correct here. Draw your own conclusions) are usually along only for comic relief. If they aren’t, they will die suitably heroically in sight of escape. They can be problematic but can be handled with a little caution. Usually by placing the ”leads” in danger at which point they will sacrifice themselves gladly.

5. Upper management.

They cannot be trusted. The evil mastermind/boss/scientist does not care about you. All he cares about is the formula/specimen/suitcase full of bonds that is currently held by the bad guys/in the secure locker or will be his payment on successful execution of his agenda. It is worse if you are employed by a Corporation. They will do anything to look good at a shareholders' meeting.

6. Your colleagues and You.

Remember, you need to work as a team. At least until all the bad guys are disposed of. Fighting over the remains of the lesser cast members is counter productive. Your task is to eliminate the "leads". Then you may fight over the remains.

This is the end of session one. There will be more next week or when I’m bored enough.