Apartment wanted. No fucking amenities please.

First:

This is a good cause. Please chip in.

The Rest:

I’m looking for a new apartment. I’ve been searching online and I’ve found a lot of nice places. Unfortunately they all offer “amenities” which I don’t want or can’t use, and these amenities push the rent up.

Amenities like these:

Tennis Court
I do not play Tennis. I do not particularly enjoy watching it either. The only things I like about tennis are the Russian blondes and their short skirts.

Picnic areas
Eat outside. In New Jersey in the fall and winter, when I’m going to be there? Hello hypothermia, meet my old friend frostbite.

Scenic walking trails
I do not have the time to scenically walk. For that matter I do not have the time to unscenically walk.

Park-like landscaping
Nice, but I do not give a fuck. I would not mind a concrete wasteland.

Business Center
Interpret this as two ancient Pentium two computers with a dial up connection and a dot matrix printer. I’ll pass thank you.

Heated outdoor Jacuzzi
Won’t be using it.

Indoor Basketball Court
Refer previous comment.

Large playing field
Ditto.

Fitness Center
Two barbells and a treadmill. I’d rather pay for a gym membership.

Playground
The urge to burst out into obscenities here is nearly overwhelming.

BBQ/Picnic Area
Repeat. I’m reasonably sure that they intend people to BBQ in the picnic areas. For the record, I dislike barbeques.

Business Center
Another one? Well fuck me and call me overjoyed.

New Building
I haven’t a fucking clue. Is there a building on the grounds that is new, and its newness causes astonishment among the residents. Is it a paragon of newness worthy of my admiration, and worth an extra fifty dollars in the rent?

Tot Lot
The only tots I know are this guy, and this guy. And they’re both in Bangalore.

Pool
Can’t swim. Will drown.

Cats Allowed
Whoop-de-doo-dah. I do not have a pet. And I like dogs.

Spa/Hot Tub/Sauna
I certainly hope my apartment has a tub, and I’m not forced to share a common one with the rest of the residents. And I don’t care much for sweating in steam filled atmosphere.

Walk to NY City Bus
4 mi. to NY City Train
Haven’t a clue how they’re passing off accidents of location as community amenities (Notice I did not say fucking clue).

One of the nicer places goes by the name “Hidden Lake Town & Country Apartments”. Again the glory of the English language makes me pause and think, are the apartments hidden, or is the lake hidden? Enquiring minds demand to know.

The Last:

And finally, more power to you if you recognize the picture below.